[un]focused

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Focus.

What helped a man obey God and build a boat as his friends ridiculed him.
What made a woman risk her life to come before a king.
It’s what made one Man choose floggings, torture, abandonment, and undeserved death.

Well, focus on the right thing. On obedience. On other people. On holiness and selflessness. On Him.

And lack of focus. It is what turned a woman to a pillar of salt. What made a nation of people that had been miraculously saved again and again simply…forget. What makes a man take a woman who is not his wife, and kill her husband to hide his shame.

It is what makes me discontent. What makes me want to quit and stay in bed. Wandering eyes, drifting thoughts, and a desperate heart that is looking everywhere but.

And a sharp focus is exactly the opposite of what my heart’s inclination is. My heart longs to dwell, to sulk, to daydream of undeserving people, unrealistic futures, and ungodly actions. It is running so fast, in the wrong direction. Completely unfocused.

Until my foot catches, and I fall.
Bloody. Tired. Sore.
Sobbing.

And then He comes. Picks me up. Redirects me. And I’m clutching His hand so tight. Because my feet so desperately want to turn around. My eyes want to look at what is behind me. My heart just wants to see if maybe that’s better than where He’s leading me.

So I force my feet to move forward. I clench my eyes shut and let Him lead. And I sometimes scream. Loudly. To drown out the lies my heart wants to feed me. No.

I will make myself follow Him, even when it is the exact opposite of what I want. When I find myself crying in unknowing, in fear, and confusion.

Sometimes, you just have to choose.

And focus on the hardest thing to focus on.

And hope with all of my heart that it will get better.

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