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Happy cinco de mayo amigos.

Goodness, I remember little parties we would have in Spanish class in high school. And I remember being insecure, quiet, and overweight.

This was a great cinco de mayo. Because I was myself, and secure in that. And I’m not so overweight anymore. I wore my favorite skirt to wear. That skirt used to fit me when I was a freshman. Then I got a bit too pudgy. But for some reason, through all my closet cleanings, I kept that skirt. I had some hope that someday, I would actually have self-control and the motivation to work out regularly.

Minus our little fiesta tonight, I’ve done that. And I’ve got that skirt back on, baby.

It’s funny how God answers little prayers that aren’t a big deal. Like my silent prayer of wanting to fit into that skirt for years and years. Or my silent prayer of needing more piano students that recently got answered. And yet, some other prayers, prayers that shake my soul with emotion when I pray them. The prayers that wrap my heart in longing and leave me emotionally drained are sent with little response.

We watched part of the End of the Spear tonight. The part where the natives kill the men, actually. And I was struck by how much these men gave up. And they never even got to see the fruit of their labor. They gave up their families, their personal desires, their lives. For savage natives. And yet, God used the deaths to reach their hearts. Am I willing to die so that His will can be accomplished? Do I see my life as a mere puzzle piece, a step that must take place in order for His glory to shine? And whatever happens in my life, whether good or bad, are part of the greater story. And I can rest in His will being accomplished, whether that is in my suffering or my success. It is sobering. It is hard to accept: it’s not about some pivotal experience in my life; it’s not whether I find some great job. It’s not if I have a great love story and find my soulmate. No, life will happen for the will of God, and my desire is to see Him magnified in my trials and my triumphs, because both are simply just opportunities to praise Him.

I really wish I could say I’ve accomplished this.

But yesterday I got really self-centered, impatient, and out-of-control. And today I daydreamed a bit too much. And some days it just doesn’t feel worth it.

But then I remember my skirt. I remember how the sun shone today. How my friends and I laughed. And I realize that it will be ok somehow. And so I’ll pick myself up, dust off my jeans, and push aside thoughts of doubt and fear.

And I will celebrate. My healing, my hope, my joy.

And Mexico’s freedom, of course.