the sometimes

I'm just frustrated right now. About a lot of things. My jumbly mind is especially out of control tonight.

For most people, the hardest part about going through a trial in their lives is the pain. And the pain is hard. But one can get used to the pain when it stays for years. I’ve learned to laugh through pain, worship through pain, and help others through pain. Life can go on with pain.

It’s the monotony of the same pain. When you pour out your heart to a friend and you realize it’s the same thing you said last time. And they reply with the same answer.

Trust God.

Enjoy this time in your life.

Be patient; it will come.

I’m not saying these are bad answers; they aren’t. It’s just, for some reason, even though my pain is the same, it always renews itself. It feels different today even though it may be for the exact same reasons and result from the exact same circumstances as yesterday. Yet, your answers are chillingly repetitive. My pain has taken a different shape, but those “encouragements” do less and less good each time.

I know what I’m supposed to do. After years of this, I get that trusting God is not only important, it is essential. I get that singleness is a gift that should be enjoyed—I’ve seen friends’ hardships in their relationships and watched them wish they were single like me. And I know that lack of patience will only make this wait longer and more difficult.

I liked to tell my friends whenever I was down, hoping for The Answer that would finally make me feel better. I wanted so badly for them to say something new and different that fixed me and changed my outlook. Yet, the only answers I received are the ones I wrote above in one form or another. I’ve realized no answer will make me better or change my circumstances. I could have a heart-to-heart with the wisest person alive and still leave unsatisfied with their counsel.

When I cry to Jesus, He doesn’t really boss me around. He hugs me. He lets me cry, and He cries with me. He holds me and comforts me. He knows I already know what I’m supposed to do, and usually I do ok. Usually I trust Him. Usually I enjoy my life. Usually I am patient. Sometimes I just need to cry because this pain that may seem so repetitive to you is very real and very new to me. Sometimes the walls just come down and I have to be real. Jesus knows there’s nothing wrong with that. He holds my crying heart because right now it needs to cry.

I wish more people did that.