limited

Today was one of those days you imagine summer to be. I lazily woke up, did some facebook, made a breakfast burrito, laid out on the roof while listening to music, ate ice cream, took a bubble bath, and watched a movie until midnight. All of these were done in the company of two of my best friends. This was an elementary-aged summer day. It was perfect.

I love those times when I’m reminded of God’s calling on my life. I led worship tonight at youth group, like I do every Tusday night. But tonight was just one of those nights where, as I was sitting at the piano, worshipping, I just knew that was what I was supposed to be doing. I was at peace doing what I love to do. I could almost hear Him whisper in my ear, “This is what you’re made for.”
Tonight was also the “sex talk” night at youth group. As the girls asked their questions, I felt awkwardly inadequate. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I have no experience, no personal situations that would help my girls through their boy problems. I mean, the most challenging my boy problems got was that he stopped texting me, or stopped talking to me, or found another girl. How do you keep Christ at the center of a relationship? I have no idea. I don't know how to set boundaries and keep them, but thanks for asking. What a great question, I wish I knew if a guy liked me or not too. How do you get a guy's attention? I'll let you know when it happens. Sure, I had my common sense, but every time I answered a question, I just felt so inexperienced. I listened to my fellow leaders give examples from their lives and I just felt out of place. I almost went and sat with the girls to learn along with them.
And then the question came.
“Is it hard to wait for him?”
And, just as I knew I was made to lead worship, I knew this question was made for me. I looked at the other leaders who were trying to formulate answers in their head, and before I knew it, my mouth was moving.
Yes, it is hard to wait. Especially when it’s something you really want. Especially when you feel like you’ve done it all right and deserve it. Especially when you watch each friend, one by one, slowly find their “soulmates”. But sometimes, God gives us times of unfulfilled desires. Not to watch us suffer in misery, though sometimes all we can feel is our pain. Not to make us hate Him, though sometimes we just want to scream at Him. And not because He doesn’t care about us, though we may feel alone. But to show us that He is the ultimate fulfiller. To show us that no man, no career, no child, no ministry, no friends could ever fulfill or satisfy or give us purpose other than Him. To show us that even in times of extreme longing, we can be satisfied. We can be filled. So that way, when and if that desire is fulfilled, we can enjoy it more fully. Because we are already fulfilled. We are already content in His love and His love alone. In short, yes. It is excruciatingly hard to wait, as it is hard to wait for any good thing. And because I’m not there yet, I don’t know if it’s worth it, I don’t. I hope and trust it is, but if it isn’t, it doesn’t matter. Because I’m already content. I’m already satisfied. And I don’t need anything else.

The leaders looked at me awkwardly, and made a sorry transition to the next question. I sat there, wondering what just came out of my mouth. I think I needed to hear that more than whoever wrote that question on the notecard. Whatever I just said, that was some good stuff.

I think if I’m ever at that point of complete contentment in Him, fully satisfied with just Him, every day will be a summer day like today.

Ice cream and all.