whitney dziurawiec

Today I was running through unplowed sidewalks and iced over driveways on a slant (my favorite), I was keenly aware of people staring at me. Just, driving by and staring at me. Have you never seen someone running before?!?!?! I realized halfway through my run that their stares were not ones of admiration, nor lust, nor any good reason to stare at someone. I remembered what stared back at me in the mirror just before I left.. Two huge sweatshirts on (and the infamous "hooded jacket underneath a non-hooded jacket so the underneath jacket's hood comes over the top of the top jacket" look), two pairs of pants, and what looked to be like a fifth grade boy's ear muffs. Yeah, they were probably staring at my fashion choices. I ran by another guy with a sweet, sleek, yellow jacket and a nice hat. His pants looked warm but awesome. I felt horribly underdressed for the occasion. Apparently there is fashion involved in working out now. I sighed. I feel like I've just gotten ...

It’s 2:20 in the morning on Christmas Day. I can’t sleep. It’s probably because I consumed my weight in sugar and chip dip tonight. I need to work out; I have a bridesmaids dress to fit into. I’m restless. A myriad of thoughts are coursing through my brain, knocking on the door of my soul. Questions, so many questions, prod my heart. Worries scratch at my spirit. I am weary. But somehow, there’s strength. Just enough strength. My friend confided in me today. What do I do when it feels like He’s just not there? When it seems like He’s letting me down? When I feel disappointed? Oh, sister. I’m not quite sure what we’re supposed to do. But it reminds me of the four hundred years of silence in the Bible. Not a few days. Or months. Or years. Centuries of nothing from Him. Not a word, not a prophecy. Utter silence. What was God possibly doing during those years? He’s God. Couldn’t He…speed things up? What could He be doing that needed four HUNDRED years before His Son would com...

It’s time to start reading. I went on a book spree at Parables today. Or is it Parable? The sign says Parable and the wall says Parables. Anyways. I’m realizing I need help. And that I’m not perfect. So I bought some books that will help reveal the ways I need to change. It’s just been me and Him and His Word lately, which are great and wonderful. I rely a lot on my experiences to mold me, but I think if I could learn some things by reading, I wouldn’t have to learn the hard way. That’s my hope, at least. But I think we all need some outside sources every once in awhile anyways. Some things to convict us, to talk straight to us. To ask us those hard questions most humans wouldn’t ask me to my face. One of the books was hard for me to even pick up off the shelf. I’m not sure why. But I’m starting. Two are fiction, two are to help me grow. And I’m getting a devotional for Christmas. And I’m asking Him to move. A lot.

Today I probably should have stayed in bed. But people needed to be seen, miles had to be driven, and a church seat had to be filled. So I summoned the strength to get up while my sinuses, my nose, my throat, my head, and my body in general screamed at me to stay down. I spent most of the day in the car, thinking or singing or talking with people. It’s one of those desperate days, those days you just can’t do it without Him. Though these days I’m sure are precious to Him, I just wish I was easily joyful like I had been a few weeks ago. The joy is still there, but it’s not a giggly, happy, smiley joy. It’s one of hope and trust. One of choosing to be ok, choosing to let, choosing to believe. I’m reading more about the children of Israel, and I’ve been thinking about manna lately. How God fed His children while they were in the desert was beautifully miraculous. Every morning, a miracle of this bread-like food was sitting on the ground as their breakfast. Every evening, quails “cove...

I’ve been thinking a lot about the children of God and Jericho today. And the weird and seemingly useless things they had to do to get those walls to come down. Walk around for seven days. Yet nowhere in the Bible does it say they questioned God, nor asked Him what the purpose was of walking around those walls. They didn’t ask Him to tear down the walls without their daily walks. They just…did it. And we still don’t know why God wanted them to walk around. We have our guesses, I’m sure. But why exactly He made them walk around, we won’t know on this side of heaven. Some of them had to wonder. Question a LITTLE. They were human. They had to. But they still obeyed. I don’t want to be caught complaining or doubting or asking. I want to be the one in front, leading the people around in what seemed to be useless because I fully and completely trust in Him that it is not. I want to be the trumpet blower. Today I went running in the -7 degree wind chill. People looked at me like I w...

It’s December again. The winds are howling, the snow is blowing, and I realized that I completely forgot I have a blog. Oops. My clothes are waiting for me to put them away. There is a bridesmaids dress sitting on the end of my bed that should be hung up. I need to read my Bible and brush my teeth and get to bed on time. I am at a loss, though. It’s one of those points where I know there’s nothing I can do. Where all of me wants to be somewhere else, doing something else, with someone else, but that’s just…not happening right now. And as much as all of me, ALL OF ME, wants to be there, I know I can’t. I won’t for awhile, if ever. I’m tired and emotional. Secular songs make me cry because I’m sick of trying to change their meaning into something that would apply for me. Christian songs make me cry because I’m having a hard time believing the truths they so cheesily and loudy proclaim. Praying makes me cry, because I know I’m failing Him, and talking to Him reminds me of that. Si...

Before I know what’s going on, I am rushed into a room. They are telling me to hurry, that there’s not much time. I realize I am holding a bag, and someone takes it from me and looks inside. She stares at the contents for awhile, then looks at me and smiles with tears welling in her eyes as if to say Thank you. They push me into a chair and begin to prod at my hair, clip at my nails, and polish my face. I catch a glimpse of them taking all of their tools out of the bag I brought in. In a whirlwind, I was lipsticked, curled, and in a dress. Then, as if a storm had passed, they all stopped and stepped back. They stared at me in awe. I heard gasps and whispers. Some were crying, others just stared. I stared back at them, wondering. The same woman that met me at the door led me to a large mirror on the other side of the room. I looked into it and my jaw dropped. My dress was whiter than any other white I had seen. My hair perfectly curled, not a piece out of place. It was shining and ...

Yesterday sucked. I was in a bad mood all day. And to top it all off, I was sitting in my least favorite class with my least favorite teacher. I knew I still had a lot to do the rest of the day. I hadn’t been doing well emotionally and didn’t know how to even deal with what was happening. I was sitting in my seat, listening to the drone of my teacher when all of a sudden, everything that was happening swelled up in me and directed itself at one simple desire: I want a cupcake . And I’m not talking about a, “Man, a cupcake sounds good now.” I’m talking about needing a cupcake. As if every problem in my life would melt away with that sweet fluffy cupcake and creamy frosting. I could no longer even attempt to listen to my teacher. I wanted, no, needed a cupcake. Class finally ended and I walked back to my room, images of a cupcake still burned into the back of my brain. I grabbed my piano bag, knowing that worship would get my mind off my craving. I walked through the music hallwa...

I’m sitting in my dorm room, alone. Clothes are everywhere, a Cheez-it box is sitting next to me, and there are more scarves in here than pairs of shoes. It really is home. My roommate is back and I see her everyday. I didn’t realize how much I really missed her until now. Now that I have her again. And I get to see her plan her wedding and fall more in love with her fiancé. And we will stay up late looking at youtube videos that 10 year-olds made. And we will sit on our beds and talk. About how we got to where we are. About what Jesus is going to do. About what we’ve missed in each other. But we won’t talk about boys, I won’t let us. That’s my rule this year. I’m not losing myself in looking for that. It is dangerous and foolish. It’s easy not to talk about it, but not thinking about it is another struggle entirely. How is it that our thoughts can so easily turn from the one truly majestic, beautiful, powerful, Creator who will be our ultimate Bridegroom to people who will let ...

This summer has been so busy, posting new blogs hasn't really been a priority. Summer has been sweet and rich. Road trips and Rock Band. Late-night movies and early-morning runs. Lazy days by the pool and busy days with friends and work. Mosquito bites and sunburns. Laughter and tears. But this summer was so much more than the stereotypical summers that most people have. I went into this summer wanting to change, to grow. To transform. That was my prayer from the day I moved all my stuff home from those dorms. And it’s happened. Jesus has grown me, stretched me, moved me, filled me, and shaken me. I am so different. I could write a book on everything I’ve learned this summer. Ok, maybe not a book. But it would fill up a few more than one blog post. In short, God has answered my prayer, like He always does. I am in awe when I look back at where I was only three months ago. How do I come back from such a refreshing retreat? How do I transition from my vacation with Jesus to real lif...

Some people just make me stressed and anxious. People that overthink things and constantly have to spit out some carefully worded message that defines their current problem. It just makes me want to run away and watch a sunset or something. People make things too complicated. I used to do that. I took little problems. I would blow them up and draw them out. I made them much bigger than they were. I over-thought them. It was miserable. Today my friend and I rode our bikes to Village Inn. We tried a different route home and got lost. It was 10:15 pm and we were stuck in the middle of a suburban neighborhood. It was great. We would try a street, realize it wasn't right, and turn back around. No whining, no wishing we hadn't tried this new way, we just kept biking. It was fun. We smiled blissfully as each street took us farther away from our destination. We even ended up at my old house. We laughed as the street we were supposed to be on came to a dead end. Our mini-workout became ...

The other night I was laying in bed. I couldn't sleep, my late-night Dr. Pepper had taken hold of me. My mind kept going and going, a result of the sugar. I knew I wouldn't be sleeping well that night and had given up trying. I was attempting to make use of my time by praying, but my mind couldn't focus. All of a sudden, a feeling swelled in my belly. I don't even know what I was thinking of, really. I just started dreaming about my future in general. Nothing that specific, just my future. Usually, when I used to dream, I dreamt with fear. Fear of if what I was dreaming wouldn't come true. But this was different. It was peaceful. It was exciting. This time, I knew that if what I was thinking about didn't come true, better things would come along. The feeling in my belly took awhile to go away, and I didn't really want it to go away. Sure, it kept me awake. But it was the best feeling I'd felt in a long time. It wasn't really a feeling either. It was ...

Oh dear it has been much too long. Life has been almost dizzying, but good. I thank God that He answers prayers, that He sees desires, and hears cries. I am changing, I can feel it. It is such a good change. I am realizing my inability to please Him on my own, and my NEED (I wish there was a stronger word for this) for His Spirit to do it for me. I'm realizing it's not about doing, it's about stopping. Stop trying, stop striving, just surrender to His glory. How blissfully freeing it is to just stop and let Him move. To admit that I, along with my attempts at good deeds, come up overwhelmingly short. How wonderful it is to know that I don't have to do this anymore; He will. And, oh, His glory. His beauty. His majesty. They fill me when I surrender. I feel so small when I think of how big He is. But I think that's how it's supposed to be. The smaller I am, the smaller my desires, my will, and my plans are. And His grow ever so bigger. I don't want to go back ...

Today a friend called me to update me on her life. These calls have lately just become emotional prayer requests that usually end with both of us in tears. My heart breaks for her. I am always humbled when she tells me of her life. How dare I complain or even have a bad attitude when here is a life far less "fortunate" right in front of my eyes? Fortunate. I think sometimes we give too many things over to luck. See that girl? She is the unlucky one whose parents are going through a divorce. That boy's the unfortunate one whose brother died. I'm realizing more and more that this world has nothing to do with luck, as cliche as that sounds. I have certain struggles, you have certain struggles; these weren't handed out randomly at the beginning of time. God doesn't say, "I think that Whitney needs to go through a trial right about now. Let's....put her in a car accident. Yes, that's good." No, I believe there is a reason far more beautiful. This ...

I was in the car last night driving home, and all of a sudden I was hit..no, that's not the right word. I was bombarded with this thought: I am an awful daughter. Not to my parents, though they may attest to this sometimes. But to my King. I am such an awful daughter. I think of every time I don't trust though He is in control. Of every time I complain though He has blessed me beyond measure. Of every time I doubt though He has done miracles in my life. Tears flooded my eyes as I thought of how pure, good, wonderful, and well-intended He is. And how dirty, selfish, bratty, and ill-intended I am. He doesn't deserve to have me as His daughter. What have I done? What have I put Him through? How can I say I want to please Him when I act the way I do? I just started praying out loud. Lord, I'm so sorry. So sorry...I don't deserve to be Your daughter. You are so worthy, and I am not. I've been doing this all wrong. I don't know how to do this, and I've been as...

I have a lot of things on my mind right now. Like, I need a second job this summer. And, I don't know how to pick up people from the airport, and I have to do it twice in the next week. And I wish I had been able to run today, but it was cold and rainy. And (this is embarrassing) I have to let my armpit hair grow out for my cousin to wax them. And it's driving me crazy . And my weekend is going to be super busy. And I'm restless from not doing anything today. Did I mention I need a second job this summer? In the midst of my nothingness of today, I reread one of my old journals. Actually, it was my journal from about a year ago. I had forgotten how anxious I was. How worried I was. How un-peaceful I was. I was just restless all the time. I don't really know how to describe it. A day like today would have driven me crazy. My heart just would not have been at rest. Not that I exactly handled today perfectly. No, I probably could have done something more efficient. I probab...

Today was one of those days you imagine summer to be. I lazily woke up, did some facebook, made a breakfast burrito, laid out on the roof while listening to music, ate ice cream, took a bubble bath, and watched a movie until midnight. All of these were done in the company of two of my best friends. This was an elementary-aged summer day. It was perfect. I love those times when I’m reminded of God’s calling on my life. I led worship tonight at youth group, like I do every Tusday night. But tonight was just one of those nights where, as I was sitting at the piano, worshipping, I just knew that was what I was supposed to be doing. I was at peace doing what I love to do. I could almost hear Him whisper in my ear, “This is what you’re made for.” Tonight was also the “sex talk” night at youth group. As the girls asked their questions, I felt awkwardly inadequate. Honestly, I have no idea what I’m talking about. I have no experience, no personal situations that would help my girls throug...

Today my friend and I were driving along Center street and saw flowers in a field right along the road. We stopped to pick them. Everyone was looking at us, on the side of Center street picking flowers, like we were crazy. But we weren't crazy. We saw pretty flowers and we wanted them. There is nothing crazy about that. I'm not exactly an expert on flower names, but I know one of them is a lilac. The beautiful arrangement is sitting proudly on my dresser. It's funny how no matter what color the flowers are, they always go with the scheme of the room. Always. Anyways, I don't now how long they'll last. Like I said before, I'm no expert. They could die tomorrow. Who knows how many bugs came with the flowers; I already found one crawling across my floor. They'll probably look ugly in a few days, and I'll have to throw them out. But for now, my room smells fantastic. Like a garden.

Today I moved home. I have a lot of stuff. I was going through all my stuff, and I’m realizing how little of that stuff I actually need. I mean, honestly. One night I stayed at home unexpectedly, so I didn’t bring anything with me. Literally just the clothes on my back. And I was fine. I stopped at WalMart to get some contact solution and I was good. Yet, on the way home from baby-sitting today, I had this urge to stop at Target and do some shopping. Why? You should see my closet. It is FULL. Granted, I need to get rid of some things I don’t wear anymore. But still, there are so many clothes in that closet, why do I always want to buy new and different things? I think it’s because I don’t want to be the same. I hate monotony. Do I not like my old clothes? No, I just like new ones. Fresh ones. I constantly change my hair style, my makeup, my routine, and my music taste. I get bored. I’m bored. Not with my closet, not with my makeup or my music. With myself. I went through a ...

I'm just frustrated right now. About a lot of things. My jumbly mind is especially out of control tonight. For most people, the hardest part about going through a trial in their lives is the pain. And the pain is hard. But one can get used to the pain when it stays for years. I’ve learned to laugh through pain, worship through pain, and help others through pain. Life can go on with pain. It’s the monotony of the same pain. When you pour out your heart to a friend and you realize it’s the same thing you said last time. And they reply with the same answer. Trust God. Enjoy this time in your life. Be patient; it will come. I’m not saying these are bad answers; they aren’t. It’s just, for some reason, even though my pain is the same, it always renews itself. It feels different today even though it may be for the exact same reasons and result from the exact same circumstances as yesterday. Yet, your answers are chillingly repetitive. My pain has taken a different shape, b...

Yesterday I was writing a paper on apostasy, which is falling away from the faith, choosing to turn away from Jesus. My research showed that apostasy usually occurs during a trial or hard time in someone’s life. My paper was supposed to show what steps to take to ensure that this isn’t a choice that I will make. As I was researching, one of the steps that I came across was to “remember our formal self”. For some reason, that took me by surprise. I was expecting “read the Bible” and “pray” and “stay in contact with other believers”. But this one was odd. Unexpected. I shook the feeling aside and finished my paper. Yesterday was kind of a hard day for me spiritually. I just wasn’t in a very good mood. My self-esteem was low, I was pessimistic, and I was anxious. But days like this come every once in awhile. I knew the feeling would go away soon enough. They always did. That night, I was out to eat with some friends. They asked me to share my testimony, my life with Jesus. As I shared...

Today I went running right after the sun went down. The clouds were rumbling in; it was about to rain. The wind was picking up, and I knew I didn't have much time before the rain would pour. So I just started running. It was easy at first. I glanced up at the sky. Dark clouds loomed overhead. I felt dangerous, like I was running away. As I was finishing my third mile, the wind picked up. It was almost impossible to run against the wind. My iPod decided to play me this song for my last half-mile: Jesus, You have me completely, every breath that I breathe. I am absolutely in love. Jesus, I am Yours forever, all of me surrenders. I am absolutely in love with You. I could barely hear the song over the wind that forced itself against me. I felt like I wasn't moving forward at all. I ignored the wind and kept singing to myself. I am absolutely in love with You. I refused to let the wind or threatening clouds or sore legs stop me from singing my anthem. Wind crashed against my ears. ...