morning (and then evening) thoughts

I started this earlier today and am just finishing it now. So if you’re wondering why the “sun is beaming” at 11:30 pm at night, that’s why.

The sun is beaming, the snow is melting, and I am waiting. Waiting for my coffee jitters to wear off, waiting for my toes to warm up (never happens), and…I’m waiting for my boyfriend to get here.

Woah.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I have a boyfriend. And I wish there were a more mature word for a 22 year-old woman than the prepubescent and immature connotations that go along with the term “boyfriend,” but I can’t think of any. So boyfriend it is. For those of you who aren’t on Facebook, or didn’t see it, or creep on my blog and have never even met me, his name is Jon. He’s cool. He’s wonderful. He loves Jesus and really follows Him. I’m lucky (Christians can’t say lucky. I’m blessed).

I just thought I’d throw that out there. Yes I realize this came out of nowhere for most of you. If you want to hear the story, I would love to tell you. But not here. No, my blogs are not going to be filled up with pukey romantic things or talk about all the dates I’ve been on (and I would expect nothing less than a revolt from you readers if that were the case). I would even get bored with that. Although I will add the fact that the very first day we hung out (about 14 months ago) was shockingly at the zoo—a place I had long ago deemed a romantic black hole of hopelessness, awkwardness, despair, and smelly animals. I (possibly heretically) see Biblical parallels from when Nathanael asked, “Can anything good come from Nazareth?” in John 1:46. Yes, Jesus came from Nazareth, and cute boyfriends can come out of the zoo. Miracles. I do find it rather interesting (and, to my dismay, rather cliché) that this wonderful boy named Jon landed in my life at the precise moment I was ecstatic about being single. When I was content.

(that’s what we always hear. I know, I know)

And that’s the concept I’ve been pondering this morning. Contentment, and the journey that led me there. Oh, how many times did I pray for contentment throughout my high school and college years. How many times did I beg God to please make me okay. Why did it take so long? So many years of trying to focus on the positives. Trying to tell myself that He is enough. Trying to feed my heart as many truths as possible but how is it that I still sporadically find myself in bed with a tub of ice cream, realizing that, no matter how I tried to hide it, being single was actually not okay with me? We try to be content. We try. We try. We try. And nothing happens. We seek out contentment and we find nothing.

And I wonder, any of my dear readers who are just not quite content, have you been seeking contentment above the Living God?

See, I finally realized that was my problem all along.

I sought out contentment because, let’s be honest: contentment sounds great. Who wouldn’t want to be content? Who wouldn’t want to be happy with their circumstances, whatever they are? I doubt anyone would turn down the opportunity to be okay with where they are. And that’s our problem: we are seeking contentment because it makes life easier and more enjoyable—we want it for us—and we forget that contentment is just the natural result of being completely satisfied in Christ Jesus, and is primarily for His glory rather than our comfort. I found contentment when I was seeking Him. When I realized that boys always disappoint, and so I ran as hard and as fast as I could after Him. I hardly even realized I was content because I simply found myself pursuing the true Love of my heart. I began caring about lost people more than if any boys liked me. I was thrilled at the knowledge that wherever I ended up would provide the greatest opportunity for me to know and serve Him. And that was all I wanted.

I was the only single one of my closest friends for awhile. I’m not going to lie: it was extremely hard to put on a smile at times. And my friends would console me, saying, “Whitney. This would be hard for anyone. Don’t be so hard on yourself, anyone would struggle with this.” And as I began to seek Him, slowly my heart changed: I began to want contentment not for my own benefit, but for His glory. I wanted to be content so that I could share my testimony with others. I was so excited to share with people:  Hey guys. I’m the only single one with no prospects and I’m okay with that and actually excited about it. Not because I’m awesome (as anyone who knows me and my tendencies towards emotional meltdowns, over-analyzing, and overall suckiness at life will attest), but because my God is and He has done a miracle in my heart. I finally wanted contentment for His glory and not for my comfort.

I hope you don’t think I’m tooting my own horn, or that I want you to all be astonished by my maturity or contentment or whatever. I could come up with an embarrassingly long list of virtues I don’t have, of areas in life at which I still miserably fail. And that’s the thing. I think this can apply with joy, self-control, patience, or any trait that we find ourselves constantly messing up. We achieve those as our relationship with God grows deeper. As we seek Him, not those traits. As we obey His commands, like loving others and preaching the Gospel. Are we asking for patience so that waiting won’t be so hard, or so that He will be glorified? Do we want to trust more fully so we won’t be as anxious, or because He is worthy of our trust? Do we want self-control so that we don’t feel so guilty when we sin, or because a pure life honors Him and is a testimony to others? These traits are results, not goals. If we don’t know and believe that He is the God of perfect timing, we will never trust Him and be patient no matter how hard we try. If we never see or are astounded by the holiness of God, our desires for sins will stay the same, no matter how hard we try to avoid them.  We have flip-flopped things. Our desires are these Christian traits, rather than the God who bestows them.  When I stopped seeking contentment and started seeking Him, contentment just happened.

And so I am still learning a lot (relationships do that to you, as I’m finding out), that He must be sought. He must be the first love, our true desire, the gaze of our hearts. Whether that is amidst single blues or relationship complexities, if He is not our gaze, we will fail.

Well, as I said at the beginning, at some point I stopped this morning and picked up 12 hours later. I have concluded that some germs thought it’d be fun to party in my body because my throat is especially tickly and every time I laugh turns into a coughing fit.

Last semester starts in two weeks. Senior recital prep and marathon training are heavily underway. I may be living in an apartment with dear people this summer, as well as nannying the twin boys I love again. I am excited to keep learning even though school will end.

Goodnight world.