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Promise you’ll listen to this as you read? http://www.bobbykunkle.com/One.mp3

I started writing in my journal, and realized that I only have a few more pages left before I start a new one. And my heart sighed. Another journal.

I remembered all that this journal entails. So many disappointments, fears, sins. I wrote through a lot of things. And honestly, I’m not so excited about writing another one. My hand was tired as I wrote. God, I’m not so sure I want another journal.

As if stopping my journals will stop the heartache, waiting, and exhaustion life can bring.

But I was listening to a friend’s piano music, what you should be listening to right now, and it sounds like falling in love and being reunited with an old friend and a beautiful snowfall all wrapped into four minutes of emotional music. And a sunrise. That too.

And it brought tears to my eyes.

So I got out old journals again. And I read old, weary phrases.

Where are You?

Why do I want so badly?

I hate myself.

I am so alone.

Please come back.

And then I read these:

God, You have changed me.

Those confusing, painful nights were the most beautiful ones.

Lord, I am so happy.

And I began to weep. Remembering the feelings. And now knowing their purpose. And feeling the emotions of now. The current confusion, desire, and hopelessness. It is all being poured out into the last few pages of my tattered, tired, tear-stained journal.

And I just sat on my bed, listening to this music, feeling Him. Not in one of those emotional, powerful ways. But He just sat with me as I cried tears of weariness. He sat there. Without words or commands or condemnation.

And a quiet strength rested in me. I’m not about to fight a battle or shout in happiness. But I can do this. We will do this.

And there will be more tears. More disappointments. More sins. More fear. It all will keep coming.

And that is ok. I will go there. And I will cry to Him, bring my disappointments desperately before Him, repent of my sins, and conquer my fear in Him.

I will keep smiling. And hoping. And resting.

And I will keep writing.

Because something in this music makes it feel worth it.

Makes Him feel worth it.

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