It’s one of those messy blog nights.

I got home from work late and my head was about to explode. I needed one thing. I needed to run. It was 12:30 am and we have a treadmill in our basement. But I hate treadmills.

So there I was at 1 in the morning, running through my dimly lit neighborhood. I am well past caring. I am sick of the heat restricting me, sick of people telling me what is safe and unsafe, and sick of feelings being bottled up that I just need to run off. So I ran. And some spider webs scared me, some bunnies made me jump, but I was fine. Absolutely fine. No one raped me, no drunk people harassed me. And maybe God provided a special layer of protection for me tonight because He knew I absolutely needed this, but I am positive I was completely safe the whole time.

My friend wrote me a letter today venting her feelings and just letting it all out. I’m jealous of her. I wish I could write it all out. But every time I try, I stare at my blank page in confusion and realize I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I’m not ready to write yet, I guess. Sometimes I’m too afraid to formulate phrases in my head, much less put them into a concise, clear letter.

I actually put my makeup on and was all ready before I left to nanny today, can we chalk that up as a success? I need a success story right now. Because I wore these awfully uncomfortable shoes to work and my feet are killing me. And I had a lot of samples of yogurt tonight. And a very big dinner. And my new $6 jeans won’t fit on me if I have another eating day like today.

This blog does not flow or have any real sense at all, and if I could muster any motivation that 2:32 a.m. can offer me, I would delete this and try another time. But I’m going to post this because…

well, because I’m staring at my computer and I honestly don’t know what day it is right now…

….I know it…I just need to think about it….

Don’t tell me…I’ll figure it out.

If you’re reading this, I love you. Because only the people I really love know about this blog.

Unless you’re a hard core creeper and somehow searched my Facebook profile and found this website. If that’s you, well, I am actually flattered by creepers. Welcome. There is no judging here.

Saturday. It’s 2:40 on Saturday morning.

That’s the best you’re going to get from me.

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