By -

It’s one of those messy blog nights.

I got home from work late and my head was about to explode. I needed one thing. I needed to run. It was 12:30 am and we have a treadmill in our basement. But I hate treadmills.

So there I was at 1 in the morning, running through my dimly lit neighborhood. I am well past caring. I am sick of the heat restricting me, sick of people telling me what is safe and unsafe, and sick of feelings being bottled up that I just need to run off. So I ran. And some spider webs scared me, some bunnies made me jump, but I was fine. Absolutely fine. No one raped me, no drunk people harassed me. And maybe God provided a special layer of protection for me tonight because He knew I absolutely needed this, but I am positive I was completely safe the whole time.

My friend wrote me a letter today venting her feelings and just letting it all out. I’m jealous of her. I wish I could write it all out. But every time I try, I stare at my blank page in confusion and realize I don’t even know what I’m feeling. I’m not ready to write yet, I guess. Sometimes I’m too afraid to formulate phrases in my head, much less put them into a concise, clear letter.

I actually put my makeup on and was all ready before I left to nanny today, can we chalk that up as a success? I need a success story right now. Because I wore these awfully uncomfortable shoes to work and my feet are killing me. And I had a lot of samples of yogurt tonight. And a very big dinner. And my new $6 jeans won’t fit on me if I have another eating day like today.

This blog does not flow or have any real sense at all, and if I could muster any motivation that 2:32 a.m. can offer me, I would delete this and try another time. But I’m going to post this because…

well, because I’m staring at my computer and I honestly don’t know what day it is right now…

….I know it…I just need to think about it….

Don’t tell me…I’ll figure it out.

If you’re reading this, I love you. Because only the people I really love know about this blog.

Unless you’re a hard core creeper and somehow searched my Facebook profile and found this website. If that’s you, well, I am actually flattered by creepers. Welcome. There is no judging here.

Saturday. It’s 2:40 on Saturday morning.

That’s the best you’re going to get from me.

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

limited

By -
It's the end of June, and our windows are open. After a string of endless rainy days, sopping and muddy, the sun--our knight in shining armor--emerged without its normal end-of-June heat. And so, the windows are open. My daughter has been asleep for awhile, my husband is riding his bike through the glory of a Minnesota summer's evening, and I sit listening to the clock tick, the birds talk, the cars hum. The background noises of life which I usually drown out with music or a podcast or a babbling toddler demand their attention now, greedy backup singers stealing their solos. Last night I spent time with some newer ladies in my life, none of which had kids. I was relieved to find myself able to relate to childless peers as most of my current friends have children who tend to dominate our conversations. We talked of refugees and politics and international students in Mankato. We talked of life plans and I actually enjoyed not lamenting the current 2-1 nap transition ...
Read more
By -
It’s Leap Day. I was excited for today. I love odd, random, extra things. I woke up energized and determined and ready. I woke up and wrote in my journal, “God, I want today to be purposeful and intentional. It’s Leap Day! This date only happens once every four years, let’s make it count. Let’s make it good.” So I leaped out of bed (get it) and was READY for my day. So ready that I had my favorite breakfast and even worked out and showered before my day started. Today is going to rock! … So, I can’t quite put my finger on it. Maybe it’s the fact that my poor water bottle is still MIA, or that I had to purchase my 3 rd key card of the semester because mine was lost, that I left my purse in my room and had no chapstick all day, or that after I purchased my new key card, I was texted by the mom I babysit for, saying she found it. Or maybe it was just that it was so windy. And wind makes me want to blow up an orphanage. I don’t know WHAT it was. But today was off. Like, ...
Read more

pointless stories that falsely sound symbolic

By -
Image
I got caught between Summer and Fall's loud argument on my run today, as the summer sun singed my skin and the fall breeze tousled my hair. Summer is like that crazy aunt who won't leave when the party is clearly over. And the entire universe is getting sick of pleasantries and manners. Fall is about to take its predecessor's spotlight, and I was running through the midst of the awkward and marvelous conversation. And I don't like confrontation, but something about saying one final good-bye to heat and sweat, while simultaneously greeting the fall's cool temperatures was nothing like the usual disagreements I generally ignore. So I ran through the seasons' quarrel and John Piper was getting passionate. I smiled as the pain my stomach from the numerous potato chips I regretfully consumed the night before while camping subsided. I smiled because my miles to go were dwindling. I smiled because Fall was clearly winning this dispute I was caught between. I smiled ...
Read more