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I had a dream last night that I was pregnant and about to give birth. The father of my child? You don’t even want to know. I’ll give you a hint: he’s a ginger. I’ll give you another hint: the zoo.

I don’t know how the whole story unfolded (or how I would let a human being like that impregnate me), but there I was, sitting in the hospital. About to pop. My family surrounded me, but Mr. Ginger Snap was nowhere to be seen. There was no man there, actually. I ran through the hospital trying to find this other boy to beg to be the father of my child, but he wouldn’t. He didn’t care. So there I was, letting my mom hold my hand as I demanded my epidural.

It was like my worst fear. The whole kids thing is not my favorite thing to look forward to, and the only thing I know that would make it bearable would be having the man I married be there with me. But this dream was the exact opposite of that. Pregnant with no husband.

This is nightmare material, ladies and gentlemen.

Last night, before this awful dream, was one of those nights where I found myself rereading old journal entries and allowing myself to go back to where I used to be. Sometimes that helps, seeing the beauty of this story unfold. Desires were met, and hopes were let down. There were lots of exclamation points, and lots of tear-stained pages. But it all led to a glory that is unmistakably fascinating.

I read entries that begged God to not let me be alone. I’m ok with being single right now, just please don’t make me do it alone. Keep someone with me.

Being the only single one was my worst fear. It made my stomach drop and my face turn hot just thinking about it. It was my one thing. And I think we all have those things. Just not that, God. Anything but that. And so many times, that is exactly where He leads us. Straight into it, head first.

Here I am, treading in the waters of everything I pleaded not to be poured upon me. My worst fear encompasses me daily. I am soaked in it.

And it is awesomely holy and powerful.

He leads us into it because He wants to show us that our worst fears, they are nothing. Our most frightening worries could be realized, our greatest disappointments crashing down upon us, devastating news could shake our beings, and He is still there. We are still there. We still put one bruised, tired foot in front of the other in trust of the God of this path we have been led to.

Because He is not a God who protects us from fears. He is a God who is a Conqueror of fear. Victory is in His wings, and He loves showing us that fear is demolished when we walk straight into it with a knowing of His strength and a hope of His leading hand. He plunges us straight into the terrifying, shadowy, frigid waters of that one fear to show us that not being able to see isn’t the end of the world. And that you only feel cold when you think about it.

Tonight all the fireworks will burst and parties will celebrate the freedom of our great country.

And I will smile as I watch the fireworks, knowing that fears don’t have to be fears anymore. Because I can stare into that horrifying prison I may have to walk into, knowing no real chains can ever hold me.

Free indeed.