whitney dziurawiec

Frozen yogurt is draining me from life’s figurative yogurt machine. Thank goodness I start nannying in two days when I can read, and sit for more than 15 minutes a day. And you know it’s something when I say the words “thank goodness I start nannying…” in that order together. Once again, I find myself unwanting to spend time with Him, not because I don’t love Him or am feeling dry. He has been so great to me. And today during my break, I ate outside and just sat in His goodness and let the sun warm me. I love Him, I do. But I do hate feeling burdensome to Him. Feeling like I have all these problems every day. And sometimes I honestly just don’t want to deal with them. I am annoyed with myself, He has to be annoyed with me too. And all the thoughts and wrestle matches that are occurring in my head must disappoint Him so much. He knows I can do better. And though the recent days haven’t been filled with as many tears as they had been, part of me just wonders if that is just me sick...

Focus. What helped a man obey God and build a boat as his friends ridiculed him. What made a woman risk her life to come before a king. It’s what made one Man choose floggings, torture, abandonment, and undeserved death. Well, focus on the right thing. On obedience. On other people. On holiness and selflessness. On Him. And lack of focus. It is what turned a woman to a pillar of salt. What made a nation of people that had been miraculously saved again and again simply…forget. What makes a man take a woman who is not his wife, and kill her husband to hide his shame. It is what makes me discontent. What makes me want to quit and stay in bed. Wandering eyes, drifting thoughts, and a desperate heart that is looking everywhere but. And a sharp focus is exactly the opposite of what my heart’s inclination is. My heart longs to dwell, to sulk, to daydream of undeserving people, unrealistic futures, and ungodly actions. It is running so fast, in the wrong direction. Completely unfocus...

Sometimes I feel like I am my own mother. I'll catch myself doing something or thinking something, and I give myself a proverbial slap on the hand. Stop it Whitney. Don't go there. I've learned that it's best to stop thoughts before they even have a chance to breathe. Or I'll just go to bed if I'm thinking too much because sleep forbids my mind to think like that. Oh gosh..I am just like a mother...telling myself to go to bed if I keep misbehaving. I've also learned that gratitude is my best friend. When I choose to be grateful for the simplest things, like cheese, I am much happier. The other night was rough. I was sitting on the floor of my room attempting to journal. But messy thoughts were coming out and my mind felt like giving up. I happened to look up and see pictures surrounding the mirror in my room. Pictures of me with my best friends. I stared at the pictures longer than I normally do. And a smile found its way to my tear-stained face. Thank You s...

I may or may not have peed in the Rieger shower this year when I was angry at our loud furnace. There is enough candle wax on the wall of my dorm room to create a new candle. It is hidden by the desk we left in there. Today I went into the Doctor John’s store to buy things for a bachelorette party. And I have no words. My room would probably look more organized if I let a chicken have a turn at cleaning the place. I just facebook creeped on a boy, and it wasn’t one of those random “I wonder what they’re up to” creeping. If you know what I mean. But I caught myself and got off. So it doesn’t count as much, right? This week I wanted to kidnap all my friends’ boyfriends and lock them away so I could have them all to myself, just this week. I’m not proud of any of these things. But life moves on, I guess. Today I hugged my best friends as we had our last moment in the dorms together. Way too many memories were made at that place. It was where we met. Where we cried, laughed, watched no...

Right now I am supposed to be: -studying for a final in an hour -doing my last assignment of the school year -packing my stuff -reading the lesson for youth group tonight Any of these would be better than me sitting and staring out the window. Last night I was supposed to go running with a friend. I was a little late, and so she went without me because she was meeting up with her boyfriend. It wasn’t really either of our faults, though I will confess that I yelled “I HATE BOYFRIENDS!!!!” quite loudly to her on the phone. I wasn’t in the best mood. It was dark, and I felt weird running downtown by myself. But I did anyways. And as I did, a feminist rose inside me that I never knew existed. Suck on that, Grace University. I’m running. Downtown. In the dark. With no man to protect me. Among other things I won’t repeat. I ran really fast last night. I passed some guy running, which only fed to my feminism. That’s right. I’m just as good as them, and I don’t even need them to pr...

Thank You for the confusion, because it pushes me to rely on Your wisdom. Thank you for pain, because it helps me realize that I don’t belong here. Thank You for occasional loneliness, because through it I find where my true belonging lies. Thank You for fail days, because they break my pride and keep me feeling. Thank You for the unknown, because of it I pursue the One thing my heart longs to know. Thank You for frustration, because it makes me play the piano harder, run faster, and push myself farther than I thought I could go. Thank You that even if I have nothing: no friends, no family, no money, nothing--I have intimacy with You. And that is plenty. Thank You that I DO have friends, family, money, a great school, music, piano students, and a body that can run pretty far. They are all undeserved blessings, all extra. May I never forget these things. Thank You for people that everyone calls annoying. They help me realize where my patience level really is, and keep me laughing when I...

Happy cinco de mayo amigos. Goodness, I remember little parties we would have in Spanish class in high school. And I remember being insecure, quiet, and overweight. This was a great cinco de mayo. Because I was myself, and secure in that. And I’m not so overweight anymore. I wore my favorite skirt to wear. That skirt used to fit me when I was a freshman. Then I got a bit too pudgy. But for some reason, through all my closet cleanings, I kept that skirt. I had some hope that someday, I would actually have self-control and the motivation to work out regularly. Minus our little fiesta tonight, I’ve done that. And I’ve got that skirt back on, baby. It’s funny how God answers little prayers that aren’t a big deal. Like my silent prayer of wanting to fit into that skirt for years and years. Or my silent prayer of needing more piano students that recently got answered. And yet, some other prayers, prayers that shake my soul with emotion when I pray them. The prayers that wrap my hear...