hashtag female christian college senior music major probs
Want to know where I am right now?
You guessed it. Behind the pianos.
Which, for those of you who don't know, isn't a good sign. This is only my third time back here (a truth we can attribute to dead bugs, cobwebs, odd smells, and the fact that it's not very comfortable), and, to put it lightly, this isn't exactly where I go to celebrate. I have been emotional lately (HATE being emotional) and this is my vent fest. Behind-the-piano style. We will now pause for those of you who have better things to do to exit the webpage.
Part of me is elated.
God has been working so much in my life lately. He has been showing me so much of Himself. I have spent a lot of the past few months seeking Him, and He is letting me find Him (a holy God lets us mere sinners FIND Him? what?!). He is making me less circumstance-oriented and more kingdom-oriented. My heart hurts for kingdom tragedies rather than petty 21 year-old dramas. My mind drifts to kingdom dreams rather than ones of popularity, boys, and losing weight. He has made me content in where I am relationally: NEVER thought I would be so content (and un-cynical about) being single...being the ONLY one single. Seriously it's an absolute miracle. And physically: I have realized that it takes more strength for a woman to look at her body, with all its imperfections and flaws, and say "I like how I look" than it does for her to have a six-pack. And I can honestly say that I am content with where I am. In both. And not because I've chosen to be content, but because He has shifted my eyes from myself to Him. Those things are just not as important now. And that's God's doing. He is so wonderful. And I just love knowing Him more each day.
Part of me is a sentimental emotional mess.
My grandparents called me and are giving me their plate collection from every country they've been to. And as wonderful as this is, the obvious unspoken truth behind it is ripping me up. They are done traveling. They have no use for those plates anymore. It's an heirloom. They are leaving Earth soon, and are leaving such a special part of their lives with me. I can't handle it. What am I going to do without my Grampy's (yes that's what we call him...I don't know why) Christmas blazer? Or Nana's vitamins she buys us? I'm a mess. An emotional, sappy, sentimental mess. I both want those plates with all of my heart, and never want to go to their house to get them. Mess. Also, our Dean of Women, Marilyn, is leaving. As the secretary, I'm required to meet with her every other week, and it's the best requirement of my job. She has become such a mentor and life-speaker to me. She is such a woman of God that I admire. And she is leaving! Mess. Mess mess mess mess.
And part of me is absolutely furious.
I so cannot wait to graduate. And it's not so that I'll be done with papers and required piano practice (you have no idea how great it will be to not practice piano THREE HOURS A DAY), though those things will be so relieving to have off my plate. I just want time. Time to invest into people. Time to actually hang out with my youth kids. I used to want to work in a church but I am recently realizing I cannot do that. My heart is itching to be in a public setting. I'm sick and tired of being separated from the world. Though I cherish my time here and all the Bible I have learned, I think it's absolutely normal to want to share the God I fell in love with here with this broken world. Grace has equipped me, and it's wonderful. And I'm itching itching itching to take all that and go where there are broken people.
And I just do not have time right now. How lame of an excuse is that?! I'm furious at myself! Souls need Jesus and I'm cooped up in a practice room for three hours a day?! That almost seems like a sin. Is it wrong that my days are full from morning until night and I literally do not have time to invest in people? What could I give up? Eating? Sleeping? Preparing for a senior recital seems completely irrelevant to life. This was all stirring and finally came to a head after an encounter I had with a homeless man outside of WalMart on Tuesday night. After talking with him and hearing the brokenness in his voice, I was just a mess in the car. My thoughts driving home were furious and confused, and none of them are answered even yet. Why didn't I do more? Why didn't I ask him to get in the car so I could share Jesus' love with Him? Because I'm a girl and it's not safe? Are you KIDDING ME? Since when are we supposed to be safe? Or would that just be stupid? (Is it wrong that I asked God for a husband right then and there, for the sole purpose of being able to pick up homeless people and "safely" take them to our house to make them food and share Jesus with them? Definitely adding "willing to pick up random homeless men and take them to our house" to my standards list. Well now no one is going to want me. Oh well.) The worst part is that I don't even have time to do that! I don't have the means to do that, not in my dorm where I eat cereal for dinner and can't have men up in my room. This is ridiculous. I'm haunted by where that man slept that night, where is he sleeping tonight?? This is not okay with me. Not okay at all.
I'm an elated, emotional, furious mess. And I'm behind a piano and my back hurts because it's not comfortable back here.
Well, there's not much else to write, and plus I need to....go practice piano.
ADL;FKJASD;OIFJADF;KJNASD;LFKJ
Pray for me...I really need motivation.
 |
| my head looks detached from my body; also, I didn't mean to look ultra-depressed in this picture. it just happened. don't feel like changing it. already over it. |
Which, for those of you who don't know, isn't a good sign. This is only my third time back here (a truth we can attribute to dead bugs, cobwebs, odd smells, and the fact that it's not very comfortable), and, to put it lightly, this isn't exactly where I go to celebrate. I have been emotional lately (HATE being emotional) and this is my vent fest. Behind-the-piano style. We will now pause for those of you who have better things to do to exit the webpage.
Part of me is elated.
God has been working so much in my life lately. He has been showing me so much of Himself. I have spent a lot of the past few months seeking Him, and He is letting me find Him (a holy God lets us mere sinners FIND Him? what?!). He is making me less circumstance-oriented and more kingdom-oriented. My heart hurts for kingdom tragedies rather than petty 21 year-old dramas. My mind drifts to kingdom dreams rather than ones of popularity, boys, and losing weight. He has made me content in where I am relationally: NEVER thought I would be so content (and un-cynical about) being single...being the ONLY one single. Seriously it's an absolute miracle. And physically: I have realized that it takes more strength for a woman to look at her body, with all its imperfections and flaws, and say "I like how I look" than it does for her to have a six-pack. And I can honestly say that I am content with where I am. In both. And not because I've chosen to be content, but because He has shifted my eyes from myself to Him. Those things are just not as important now. And that's God's doing. He is so wonderful. And I just love knowing Him more each day.
Part of me is a sentimental emotional mess.
My grandparents called me and are giving me their plate collection from every country they've been to. And as wonderful as this is, the obvious unspoken truth behind it is ripping me up. They are done traveling. They have no use for those plates anymore. It's an heirloom. They are leaving Earth soon, and are leaving such a special part of their lives with me. I can't handle it. What am I going to do without my Grampy's (yes that's what we call him...I don't know why) Christmas blazer? Or Nana's vitamins she buys us? I'm a mess. An emotional, sappy, sentimental mess. I both want those plates with all of my heart, and never want to go to their house to get them. Mess. Also, our Dean of Women, Marilyn, is leaving. As the secretary, I'm required to meet with her every other week, and it's the best requirement of my job. She has become such a mentor and life-speaker to me. She is such a woman of God that I admire. And she is leaving! Mess. Mess mess mess mess.
And part of me is absolutely furious.
I so cannot wait to graduate. And it's not so that I'll be done with papers and required piano practice (you have no idea how great it will be to not practice piano THREE HOURS A DAY), though those things will be so relieving to have off my plate. I just want time. Time to invest into people. Time to actually hang out with my youth kids. I used to want to work in a church but I am recently realizing I cannot do that. My heart is itching to be in a public setting. I'm sick and tired of being separated from the world. Though I cherish my time here and all the Bible I have learned, I think it's absolutely normal to want to share the God I fell in love with here with this broken world. Grace has equipped me, and it's wonderful. And I'm itching itching itching to take all that and go where there are broken people.
And I just do not have time right now. How lame of an excuse is that?! I'm furious at myself! Souls need Jesus and I'm cooped up in a practice room for three hours a day?! That almost seems like a sin. Is it wrong that my days are full from morning until night and I literally do not have time to invest in people? What could I give up? Eating? Sleeping? Preparing for a senior recital seems completely irrelevant to life. This was all stirring and finally came to a head after an encounter I had with a homeless man outside of WalMart on Tuesday night. After talking with him and hearing the brokenness in his voice, I was just a mess in the car. My thoughts driving home were furious and confused, and none of them are answered even yet. Why didn't I do more? Why didn't I ask him to get in the car so I could share Jesus' love with Him? Because I'm a girl and it's not safe? Are you KIDDING ME? Since when are we supposed to be safe? Or would that just be stupid? (Is it wrong that I asked God for a husband right then and there, for the sole purpose of being able to pick up homeless people and "safely" take them to our house to make them food and share Jesus with them? Definitely adding "willing to pick up random homeless men and take them to our house" to my standards list. Well now no one is going to want me. Oh well.) The worst part is that I don't even have time to do that! I don't have the means to do that, not in my dorm where I eat cereal for dinner and can't have men up in my room. This is ridiculous. I'm haunted by where that man slept that night, where is he sleeping tonight?? This is not okay with me. Not okay at all.
I'm an elated, emotional, furious mess. And I'm behind a piano and my back hurts because it's not comfortable back here.
Well, there's not much else to write, and plus I need to....go practice piano.
ADL;FKJASD;OIFJADF;KJNASD;LFKJ
Pray for me...I really need motivation.
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