impossible grins & possible body art

I've never been a tattoo person.

Sure, they're great on others, but I have just never thought of something great enough that I'd want it on my body for the rest of my life.

But I've been converted. I desperately want a tattoo.

And I'll tell you what it is at the end.

There is a bulletin board in my room covered with pictures of old men, for no other reason than that they fell into my possession and I am bad at printing out pictures of my real friends.

exhibit a

The midterms were getting to us, and Sarah started naming them after boys I've had things with since high school (the list is embarrassingly long and I would like to take this moment to tell you all that I honestly don't know how these happen. I'M NOT A PLAYER! you don't care and are already judging...) I didn't even end up actually dating any of them; they all basically ended with a nice blend of awkward and random and embarrassment. 

Don't believe me?

our DTR was over skype CHAT (not video)

now engaged to Sarah

notice a theme?

he was a plumber

i know what you're thinking...yes sometimes boys are named McKenzie

this one was scared off by my protective brother asking him when he was baptized
also an uncle of children I still baby-sit.

the little ones that somehow amounted to even LESS than the others

this happened.

Should I tell you this is hardly the whole list? Are you all judging me now? Have I told you THIS ISN'T MY FAULT AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO STOP THESE THINGS FROM HAPPENING?!?!

stop looking at me like that. i KNOW, okay.

If you have judged me, you will not be invited to my hot tub party when I become rich from writing about these stories someday. Joke's on you.

Anyways, some more emotionally sensitive women in the room were shocked I was okay with this. They repeatedly asked me if this wasn't good for me. Whitney, isn't this hard for you to relive?

(awkward shift)

A couple of days ago I faced a situation that screams WHITNEY FAILURE all over it. I'm serious. If someone were to create a perfect formula in order to cause me to fall like a blubbering, insecure, untrusting idiot, this was it. It was sickeningly perfect for every personal pitfall. I'm sure for most other people, it would have been a hardly pressing happening that wouldn't entail even a second thought. However, this circumstance encompassed everything that I simply fail at doing. And the thought of having to endure it made me curl into a ball and groan No...no...no.... (not recommended while driving). But I sat there and thought of similar happenings in the past. And I told God I couldn't do this one; I've never been able to handle stuff like this. That He gave me a situation in which I simply could not do well. And that this one, this one was all on Him. Because His strength is made perfect in our weakness. 

My heart raced as I realized it all (embarrassed I'd never realized it before). He does this. He gives us these situations we cannot handle so that we must give them to Him. So that He can show us the miracle of His power handling it for us. And, dear readers, I have been in so much awe at how He has endured this on my behalf. Our God is...astounding. 

(awkward shift) 

Last formal was a disaster. The catering van's breaks went out and flung a worker and all our food off a 12 foot retaining wall. 

I don't make these things up.

And here I am. Planning another formal. Excited for it. Ignoring the fact that both my formals end up with someone in the hospital. Even smiling when I think of last year's formal?

What I love about God is how He makes us smile. And not just from sunny days or great friends or carving pumpkins. He somehow orchestrates it all so that we can smile at the worsts of things. At awkward moments, at formal disasters, at broken hearts. There is a power in Him that somehow causes our souls to be warmed and our hearts to laugh...laugh! That whenever I think of the situation I'm in (which is still pretty sucky, by the way), I smile because I am ecstatic thinking about how He will prove Himself faithful, and show even more of Himself to me? 

I love the impossibility of the smiles He gives to us. And I think that should mark us as His children. Beaten, battered, stumbling, smiling fools. 

Fools that can say loudly and impossibly, It is well. 

And not because of anything we do. 

God convicted me of bitterness I was holding towards two dear people in my life. I can't forgive them, God. I don't know how to remove this resentment. How do I not give my phone the middle finger every time I see them on facebook or instagram?!

(embarrassing)

And then our smiling God stepped in and just...removed it. I didn't do anything.

Guys, it is well because we don't have to keep trying. We are free from striving. 

It is well because I drew closer to my Savior through each awkward boy. And that's worth it.

It is well because God shows up. In every circumstance. And more of His glory is shown in everything. Especially the "WHITNEY IS DESTINED TO FAIL THIS ONE" situations. Those are His specialty.

And so, dear friends. I want a tattoo. And I want it to be something like this.

Not as much to remind me of His sweetness through each past stumble, though that is one benefit. And yes, I am ecstatic about the thought of the conversations it will start with lost strangers...aahh!! But also so that when I'm on my knees again, I cannot run from the truth that He is good. I may want to cut my arm off (but I can't because I'm a piano player...fool-proof). And I may wear a lot of long sleeves when I don't want to face it. But that tattoo will kick me in the butt and tell me to stop it. Stop it and let Him make it well.

Let Him make me smile.