red lights and remembering
Yes, I realize I just wrote yesterday.
And you must be thinking "she cannot possibly have more to say."
I wish I didn't!
I try not to let myself write when I'm not doing well because I like hopeful things. I like 30 minute sitcom-style blogs where the problem is solved and the revelation is reached and every satisfying conclusion has inspirationally been made. I don't really like looking back and reading lies I believed, or how pessimistic I was at that point. I don't like leaving things un-figured out. Because it usually passes, and I usually end up rereading it and thinking, Yeah I'm stupid.
But God is teaching me that some things we aren't supposed to get. We aren't really promised clarity. We don't always get revelations.
Oh, and also because I like people to think that I'm okay. And I like encouraging my readers! Strangers and close friends, or WHOEVER you are (my pageviews tell me there are people in Russia reading this?), I like dropping little beams of hope into your lives if you aren't doing well today.
But I'm working on transparency, so here we go.
I haven't been doing well this week. There has been a lot going on, a lot of emotional processing, a lot of girly conversations and endless journal entries. I have been carrying my Bible EVERYWHERE with me, like a security blanket (even to the bathroom...even on my...short visits...TMI? okay...moving on) and not really searching for promises or hope, but just to seek Him. I've found that's more comforting...and distracting...than looking for things for myself. I don't do well alone, but God must want me alone because three of my dearest friends are out of town and one is working away at getting her apartment ready.
Driving to work today, the dangerous emotional processing I do when I'm alone was interrupted (and literally proven dangerous) by honking horns and waving arms.
OH CRAP I JUST RAN A COMPLETELY RED LIGHT.
And road mistakes are usually followed by five minutes of me apologizing. To no one.
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry! I'm so stupid...I am so sorry! Oh my gosh...they all hate me. What was I thinking? I was completely just not paying any attention. I am so sorry, oh my gosh....I AM SO SORRY!!!
(out loud)
Plus I had my eye appointment today and I am no longer the girl with one contact. No monocles for me. Now both eyes suck so I'm just like everyone else.
What is wrong with me! I don't run red lights! I don't need two contacts because MY EYES ARE FINE. I normally don't get Starbucks three times in a 24-hour period. And since when do I ravenously roam through the kitchen like a monster and settle on double fisting Honey Nut Cheerios at 11:30 pm? (I'm still hungry right now, thanks to my boyish and chasm-like appetite)
And all trivialities aside, there are a lot of changes in my life right now, and normally I like change. I change my clothes all the time! I love rearranging things and taking different routes to work and run. Sometimes I'll eat breakfast first, sometimes I'll get ready first. I will have had 5 different roommates by the time I graduate and that is one of my favorite parts of my college experience. Normally, change is fresh air when I'm stifled by routine.
But these changes are slamming me to the ground and making me forget to check if the stoplight is red. I'm really not that okay.
Tonight I went running after the storm and that was off too. Not only was I confused by random plastic cows,
I forgot to bring water with me. I was hungry despite just eating dinner (shocker). My eyes were dilated and the sun that broke through the clouds was spearing into my eyes. This is embarrassing, but I took this just so I would know what I looked like:
So there I was. Headache from my right eye getting used to a piece of plastic just chilling on its retina. Dilated eyes essentially closed. Stomach rumbling as if I hadn't eaten in days. Mouth dry (I at one point tried to spit and it reminded me of this:)
So everything about my body was falling apart except for my legs. My legs remembered this route. My legs had done this a thousand times. My legs were strong and could carry my lifeless and starving upper half through the rest of this seven miles.
And I remembered the Psalm I read that morning during my emotional attachment to the Bible. Psalm 78. It's long (I'll shorten it some), and it definitely didn't make me feel fuzzy inside.
Please read it, if you have time.
Psalm 78:11-43
They forgot his works
and the wonders that he had shown them.
In the sight of their fathers he performed wonders
in the land of Egypt, in the fields of Zoan.
He divided the sea and let them pass through it,
and made the waters stand like a heap.
In the daytime he led them with a cloud,
and all the night with a fiery light.
He split rocks in the wilderness
and gave them drink abundantly as from the deep.
He made streams come out of the rock
and caused waters to flow down like rivers.
Yet they sinned still more against him,
rebelling against the Most High in the desert.
They tested God in their heart
by demanding the food they craved.
They spoke against God, saying,
“Can God spread a table in the wilderness?
He struck the rock so that water gushed out
and streams overflowed.
Can he also give bread
or provide meat for his people?”
Therefore, when the LORD heard, he was full of wrath;
a fire was kindled against Jacob;
his anger rose against Israel,
because they did not believe in God
and did not trust his saving power.
Yet he commanded the skies above
and opened the doors of heaven,
and he rained down on them manna to eat
and gave them the grain of heaven.
Man ate of the bread of the angels;
he sent them food in abundance.
He caused the east wind to blow in the heavens,
and by his power he led out the south wind;
he rained meat on them like dust,
winged birds like the sand of the seas;
he let them fall in the midst of their camp,
all around their dwellings.
And they ate and were well filled,
for he gave them what they craved.
But before they had satisfied their craving,
while the food was still in their mouths,
the anger of God rose against them,
and he killed the strongest of them
and laid low the young men of Israel.
In spite of all this, they still sinned;
despite his wonders, they did not believe.
So he made their days vanish like a breath,
and their years in terror.
When he killed them, they sought him;
they repented and sought God earnestly.
They remembered that God was their rock,
the Most High God their redeemer.
But they flattered him with their mouths;
they lied to him with their tongues.
Their heart was not steadfast toward him;
they were not faithful to his covenant.
Yet he, being compassionate,
atoned for their iniquity
and did not destroy them;
he restrained his anger often
and did not stir up all his wrath.
He remembered that they were but flesh,
a wind that passes and comes not again.
How often they rebelled against him in the wilderness
and grieved him in the desert!
They tested God again and again
and provoked the Holy One of Israel.
They did not remember his power
or the day when he redeemed them from the foe,
when he performed his signs in Egypt
and his marvels in the fields of Zoan.
And at first, I was like, those idiot Israelites.
And then I realized. He has done so much. Not just for the Israelites, but in my life. The wonders He has worked and the changes He has done in me. The miracles He has performed in my heart and the answers to prayer, HE HAS DONE SO MUCH.
And when it's hard, when I don't get it. When I'm running red lights and completely dependent on Starbucks. When being alone just ends up with a lot of thinking that gets me into trouble. Am I remembering the ways He came through? Do I remember how He provided manna? Do I think after His constant faithfulness, He is going to let all this go to waste? Am I really having trouble trusting Him, after He has done nothing but provide? My trust and my heart are so unsteadfast, and yet His love is so unwavering.
Man, I suck.
Tell me you suck too, so I don't feel so bad.
I'm still not completely with it. I'm still starving, my eyes feel funny, and my heart isn't at rest. Honestly, I'm still not okay. But when I remember that I have been in this place of unknowing before, and been absolutely astounded by His miracles and plan for it all, it helps a little.
Shoutout to my Russian peeps!
And you must be thinking "she cannot possibly have more to say."
I wish I didn't!
I try not to let myself write when I'm not doing well because I like hopeful things. I like 30 minute sitcom-style blogs where the problem is solved and the revelation is reached and every satisfying conclusion has inspirationally been made. I don't really like looking back and reading lies I believed, or how pessimistic I was at that point. I don't like leaving things un-figured out. Because it usually passes, and I usually end up rereading it and thinking, Yeah I'm stupid.
But God is teaching me that some things we aren't supposed to get. We aren't really promised clarity. We don't always get revelations.
Oh, and also because I like people to think that I'm okay. And I like encouraging my readers! Strangers and close friends, or WHOEVER you are (my pageviews tell me there are people in Russia reading this?), I like dropping little beams of hope into your lives if you aren't doing well today.
But I'm working on transparency, so here we go.
I haven't been doing well this week. There has been a lot going on, a lot of emotional processing, a lot of girly conversations and endless journal entries. I have been carrying my Bible EVERYWHERE with me, like a security blanket (even to the bathroom...even on my...short visits...TMI? okay...moving on) and not really searching for promises or hope, but just to seek Him. I've found that's more comforting...and distracting...than looking for things for myself. I don't do well alone, but God must want me alone because three of my dearest friends are out of town and one is working away at getting her apartment ready.
Driving to work today, the dangerous emotional processing I do when I'm alone was interrupted (and literally proven dangerous) by honking horns and waving arms.
OH CRAP I JUST RAN A COMPLETELY RED LIGHT.
And road mistakes are usually followed by five minutes of me apologizing. To no one.
Oh my gosh. I am so sorry! I'm so stupid...I am so sorry! Oh my gosh...they all hate me. What was I thinking? I was completely just not paying any attention. I am so sorry, oh my gosh....I AM SO SORRY!!!
(out loud)
Plus I had my eye appointment today and I am no longer the girl with one contact. No monocles for me. Now both eyes suck so I'm just like everyone else.
 |
| shattered dreams. this should have been me! |
And all trivialities aside, there are a lot of changes in my life right now, and normally I like change. I change my clothes all the time! I love rearranging things and taking different routes to work and run. Sometimes I'll eat breakfast first, sometimes I'll get ready first. I will have had 5 different roommates by the time I graduate and that is one of my favorite parts of my college experience. Normally, change is fresh air when I'm stifled by routine.
But these changes are slamming me to the ground and making me forget to check if the stoplight is red. I'm really not that okay.
Tonight I went running after the storm and that was off too. Not only was I confused by random plastic cows,
and disgusted by death and defecation,
I forgot to bring water with me. I was hungry despite just eating dinner (shocker). My eyes were dilated and the sun that broke through the clouds was spearing into my eyes. This is embarrassing, but I took this just so I would know what I looked like:
 |
| my aunt tells me if I post pictures like this I will never find a man. this is me caring. |
So everything about my body was falling apart except for my legs. My legs remembered this route. My legs had done this a thousand times. My legs were strong and could carry my lifeless and starving upper half through the rest of this seven miles.
And I remembered the Psalm I read that morning during my emotional attachment to the Bible. Psalm 78. It's long (I'll shorten it some), and it definitely didn't make me feel fuzzy inside.
Please read it, if you have time.
Psalm 78:11-43
They forgot his works
and the wonders that he had shown them.
In the sight of their fathers he performed wonders
in the land of Egypt, in the fields of Zoan.
He divided the sea and let them pass through it,
and made the waters stand like a heap.
In the daytime he led them with a cloud,
and all the night with a fiery light.
He split rocks in the wilderness
and gave them drink abundantly as from the deep.
He made streams come out of the rock
and caused waters to flow down like rivers.
Yet they sinned still more against him,
rebelling against the Most High in the desert.
They tested God in their heart
by demanding the food they craved.
They spoke against God, saying,
“Can God spread a table in the wilderness?
He struck the rock so that water gushed out
and streams overflowed.
Can he also give bread
or provide meat for his people?”
Therefore, when the LORD heard, he was full of wrath;
a fire was kindled against Jacob;
his anger rose against Israel,
because they did not believe in God
and did not trust his saving power.
Yet he commanded the skies above
and opened the doors of heaven,
and he rained down on them manna to eat
and gave them the grain of heaven.
Man ate of the bread of the angels;
he sent them food in abundance.
He caused the east wind to blow in the heavens,
and by his power he led out the south wind;
he rained meat on them like dust,
winged birds like the sand of the seas;
he let them fall in the midst of their camp,
all around their dwellings.
And they ate and were well filled,
for he gave them what they craved.
But before they had satisfied their craving,
while the food was still in their mouths,
the anger of God rose against them,
and he killed the strongest of them
and laid low the young men of Israel.
In spite of all this, they still sinned;
despite his wonders, they did not believe.
So he made their days vanish like a breath,
and their years in terror.
When he killed them, they sought him;
they repented and sought God earnestly.
They remembered that God was their rock,
the Most High God their redeemer.
But they flattered him with their mouths;
they lied to him with their tongues.
Their heart was not steadfast toward him;
they were not faithful to his covenant.
Yet he, being compassionate,
atoned for their iniquity
and did not destroy them;
he restrained his anger often
and did not stir up all his wrath.
He remembered that they were but flesh,
a wind that passes and comes not again.
How often they rebelled against him in the wilderness
and grieved him in the desert!
They tested God again and again
and provoked the Holy One of Israel.
They did not remember his power
or the day when he redeemed them from the foe,
when he performed his signs in Egypt
and his marvels in the fields of Zoan.
And at first, I was like, those idiot Israelites.
And then I realized. He has done so much. Not just for the Israelites, but in my life. The wonders He has worked and the changes He has done in me. The miracles He has performed in my heart and the answers to prayer, HE HAS DONE SO MUCH.
And when it's hard, when I don't get it. When I'm running red lights and completely dependent on Starbucks. When being alone just ends up with a lot of thinking that gets me into trouble. Am I remembering the ways He came through? Do I remember how He provided manna? Do I think after His constant faithfulness, He is going to let all this go to waste? Am I really having trouble trusting Him, after He has done nothing but provide? My trust and my heart are so unsteadfast, and yet His love is so unwavering.
Man, I suck.
Tell me you suck too, so I don't feel so bad.
I'm still not completely with it. I'm still starving, my eyes feel funny, and my heart isn't at rest. Honestly, I'm still not okay. But when I remember that I have been in this place of unknowing before, and been absolutely astounded by His miracles and plan for it all, it helps a little.
Shoutout to my Russian peeps!
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