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I think this is the 8th time I’ve tried to update this?
Words just aren’t coming out. And my hair has been in pony tails and buns lately. And it has been a chore to get myself out of sweatpants and into jeans. My room’s a mess, my throat is full of gunk, I didn’t wear makeup yesterday, and I’m refusing to deal with anything. Refusing.
This isn’t me.
Normally life doesn’t get to me. I do my hair every day. Sweatpants aren’t even tempting. I pick up after myself. I LOVE doing my makeup. And I give myself those self-talk statements every time I’m feeling down.
Keep going, Whitney. Don’t dwell on it. Keep running, keep focusing. Get up, get out of bed. Don’t ask those questions. You may not want to do this, but you have to. Don’t you want to please God with your attitude and thoughts? Go. Run. Believe. Don’t doubt.
Faster. Harder
Don’t stop
Asd;lfkjadso;i
Well I threw a tantrum the other day. It was as if I was in a race and I just stopped mid-way and said I’m done and went to the side of the road and just sat there like a diva.
Actually, it was more like a collapse and crawl to the side of the road, after some yelling…well, lots of yelling. I just exhaustedly gave up.
And ever since I’ve been passing every issue to Him like I’m playing hot potato and the music has been playing for awhile. I’m far past not wanting to deal with this. I refuse. I will not do this anymore. Because I can’t, and when I try, I either do exhaustingly well or I fail. And I hate both. I’m so sick of being tired—all my journal entries were just me begging God for the energy to get out of bed the next morning. And I finally realized that I cannot and will not live like that anymore.
And I’m not sure if what I’m feeling is peace or apathy or if I’m just past any point of categorizing how I’m doing.
So I’m kind of floating here in limbo. Pony tails, sweatpants, papers, and lots of music notes are floating around me and I’m not sure if I’m on the ground or flat on my back or running again.
Maybe this is what it’s like for Him to do it all for me.
Maybe this is what giving up is like.
Maybe…I don’t know.
Honestly, if you ask me how I’m doing, I will tell you I don’t know.
This is the worst blog ever. But as you can see, I haven’t been myself lately. I can’t even post a coherent blog.
All I know is I’m putting mascara on today…I’m making myself.

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