my own Boston

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Well I’m home for the time being. With stacks of homework that seem like Goliath in comparison to my motivation to complete them. But tomorrow is supposed to be cold and rainy, a great day to curl up with a Judges synthesis…

I always listen to “Boston” by Augustana on my way back from working out. I don’t know why. I just do. That song has been my anthem in the past few months. Get me out of here, God. Move me, please. I feel stuck and trapped and not going anywhere at all.

But listening to it today did not stir my heart as it normally does. No longer did I have the overwhelming desire to drop everything and run away to the East Coast, bringing only my preppiest beach clothes and a good pair of sunglasses. No. For the first time, I wanted to stay.

Rather than feeling restless and stuck at the thought of being at Grace another year, my heart soared as I thought of the themes the leadership prayerfully created. I daydreamed of our whole student body seeking One thing.

I don’t need to go somewhere else to start over. Because my heart has been renewed. And the sunsets really are beautiful when I look at them. Oh, Father. You have given me a brand new start without moving my feet one inch.

But He has moved my heart thousands of miles. I have friends starting families soon. Going to Haiti soon. And rather than feeling behind, I know where I am supposed to be. Here. Geographically not at all different than where I’ve been. But spiritually, I am in a different universe.

I was tired, but I didn’t need a new town. I needed a new hope. And I love that my hope has nothing to do with potential boys. It is all about Him. The other day I put a smiley face in my prayer journal to Jesus. I never put smiley faces in there. Maybe once or twice when I really thought I was going to start dating a boy. But even then, writing a smiley face in my journal was a rare occurrence. And yet, I put one. My circumstances are not any better than they were three weeks ago. But I am so happy. I am in love. I am exactly where I am supposed to be. I smile more now than I have with any boy, and there’s something freeing in these smiles, because I know they can’t be taken away from me.

And I love that instead of daydreaming about boys, I am daydreaming about finding more of Him, and leading others to a place of seeking Him and putting themselves to death. Of leading the farthest from Him to a place of deepest intimacy.

And He is so here with me. He shows up in the kookiest ways (yes I just used that word). In getting to go to formal with one of my best friends and laughing so hard. In watching people’s silly mannerisms and laughing to myself. In a love gush for my best friend during chapel. He shows up everywhere, and I’ve missed Him all this time. I’ve missed His humor, His mercies, His lessons, and His love.

I am amazed at the strength He gives me every day. When I let myself, I can feel my heart being so tired. But I’m not tired. I have this strength that is not from me. A peace that passes understanding, if I may quote the song. I do not deserve any of this. I wake up every morning amazed at my Savior, in love with Him and in shock that each day I will wake up and see more of His mercy, or I’ll wake up in heaven, finally united with Him.

It truly is win-win.

And He is changing me. I don’t feel as entitled to stupid little things that used to make me so mad when I wouldn’t get. I feel more generous. I care more about how people are doing. And none of this is from me.

He is stepping inside my heart, and I am completely, hopelessly, and utterly amazed.

I have to do some Judges before I go to bed.

But before I do, I’m going to be super corny and end with what my face has been doing the whole time I’ve typed this.

:)

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