bad feelings and big crowns

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After a long night of cutting kiwi and explaining what popping boba is for the eightieth time, I find myself sitting in my bed, listening to the storm blow in.

I’m sitting here smiling as I think about how He has saved me these past few days. Amidst so many feelings of utter confusion, stinging insecurities, dizzying worry, and bleak loneliness, I am…ok. And He has done that. He has taken those awful feelings, lifted them off of me. He is carrying them. And though they lurk in the back of my mind at times, they are not mine to handle, praise the Lord. And I am actually, really, legitimately happy.

I am so thankful.

I am so unworthy.

And though new bad feelings come almost every day, He takes them all on. Today’s bad new feeling is…lameness. I feel prude and inexperienced. So innocent, too innocent. Left out from what everyone else has been doing for years. I am embarrassed at my lameness.

That song “I’m not Cool” by that one guy is coming to my mind, and I feel exponentially more lame now. Wow.

And the hard part is that there is no anecdote really. There is nothing that will completely take that away. I just must focus on Him, let Him handle my embarrassment, let Him make me feel not as lame.

I guess being lame is better than being stupid.

Can I confess something? I just spent 10 minutes facebook creeping on a boy that I definitely should not be facebook creeping. Oh my. It’s easy to feel desperate.

And hard to feel cool.

Thank God that the crowns we will cast at His feet someday will have nothing to do with our coolness. But if there’s a crown for facebook creeping, I just hope I don’t crush His toes with that one.

More lame Christian jokes.

I’m going to bed.

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