And so we are back "home" (whatever that means), working and resting and preparing for the school year. We've had a little bit of a reprieve from the heat, which PRAISE THE LORD because body parts are starting to seriously swell on this pregnant lady, and I'm already craving all the fall comfort food so, autumn, you have my permission to arrive.
The news is out now, and I'm flooded with the question: the "how are you feeling?" Which I don't particularly mind because I'm not exactly prepared to answer questions like how do you feel about being a mom? What are you going to decorate the nursery like? What type of birth are you going to have (which to this my answer is a confident, "Baby. I'm going to have a baby birth").
Of course, the only problem with this question is what I've found to be a common reaction among some mothers after I answer.
"Well, my first trimester my hormones were out of whack and I barely slept at all. That was really diffic--"
"Hehe well you just wait til the thing is born! Ahaha I am so funny with my snidely rude comment that is in no way original or helpful!"
Of course, I know this response isn't limited to pregnancy. I foresee the progression going this way:
Man, pregnancy is really uncomfortable.
Hehe, you just wait until delivery!
Wow, dealing with a newborn can be really exhausting.
Hehe, wait til you have a toddler on your hands!
I'm having a hard time figuring out discipline with my toddle--
Hehe, wait til you have multiple children! Hehe! You don't even know what hard is!
It's really hard dividing my attention among two childr--
Oh, honey, you don't know hard until they hit the teenage years! Hehe!
I'm trying to figure out the best way to grant my teen some adult freedom as well as adult responsibility.
Well, you just ENJOY IT NOW hehe because soon you'll be an empty nester hehe and it's the worst HEHEHEHE!
Okay, thank you seasoned mothers who are supposed to be gracefully encouraging me on this journey that I'm honestly terrified of, now I see that life is an endless spiral of worsening doom; I will go crawl into my bed and lay there until I get hungry which will probably be within the next 30 minutes. BUT THEN I WILL GO BACK TO BED AND NOT COME OUT FOR AWHILE.
But seriously, these responses, though perhaps rooted in the desire to give me a taste of reality (though I highly doubt that), really just invalidate my problems, stifle the caring community that motherhood should be surrounded by, and usher in this awkward seniority/inferiority complex between you and me. I'm not even quite sure you're simply "giving me a dose of reality," actually. Perhaps your hardships were never validated as a young mother and this is your only way of grasping at recognition. Perhaps you have never experienced the vulnerable and graceful empathy that soothes and encourages rather than cuts and bites. Maybe this is the only way you know how to respond.
If it is the latter, let me give you a wonderful alternate response that will result in the listener not hating you. A few days ago, I mentioned to a friend a pregnancy discomfort I was experiencing. I know this specific discomfort gets much worse once the baby is born, but still this sweet mother responded by saying,
"Oh my gosh! I remember that, it was so painful! I'm so sorry!"
Okay, people, do you see the difference? More importantly, do you think we can do this? Do you think we can validate the hardships of the stage of life that someone else is in, relate to them, and infuse hope into their lives instead of despair?
As I've been pondering this, I've realized I do this too, not yet in the #momshaming department, but how many times have I responded to someone in college who talks about how hard it is with, You just wait until you get to the real world! Or when a non-pregnant friend tells me she and her husband were supposed to go out for a sushi date night but something came up so she's bummed, I respond with something like:
OH MY GOSH AT LEAST YOU CAN EAT SUSHI
See? This response is so common, we don't even think about it! I am part of the problem. Is it the selfish pride of glorifying my hardship over yours? Or some desperate insecurity bulldozing its way into the conversation with this counterfeit superiority? I'm not sure, but I know that I am a citizen of heaven, a believer in redemption and a participant in the community that makes up my Savior's church. How can I continue to pour negativity into an already suffering heart? Shouldn't I long to speak redemption as one who relies on an audacious hope? Shouldn't I long to empathize as Jesus, the suffering Servant, did and does? My cynicism impresses no one, and if I need to have my own feelings validated, I can look to the One who sees and hears and weeps with me.
And perhaps learn a thing or two from Him.
**this is not representative of all moms I know. I have experienced a wonderful, encouraging community from most mothers (especially closer friends) as I begin this journey.
The news is out now, and I'm flooded with the question: the "how are you feeling?" Which I don't particularly mind because I'm not exactly prepared to answer questions like how do you feel about being a mom? What are you going to decorate the nursery like? What type of birth are you going to have (which to this my answer is a confident, "Baby. I'm going to have a baby birth").
Of course, the only problem with this question is what I've found to be a common reaction among some mothers after I answer.
"Well, my first trimester my hormones were out of whack and I barely slept at all. That was really diffic--"
"Hehe well you just wait til the thing is born! Ahaha I am so funny with my snidely rude comment that is in no way original or helpful!"
Of course, I know this response isn't limited to pregnancy. I foresee the progression going this way:
Man, pregnancy is really uncomfortable.
Hehe, you just wait until delivery!
Wow, dealing with a newborn can be really exhausting.
Hehe, wait til you have a toddler on your hands!
I'm having a hard time figuring out discipline with my toddle--
Hehe, wait til you have multiple children! Hehe! You don't even know what hard is!
It's really hard dividing my attention among two childr--
Oh, honey, you don't know hard until they hit the teenage years! Hehe!
I'm trying to figure out the best way to grant my teen some adult freedom as well as adult responsibility.
Well, you just ENJOY IT NOW hehe because soon you'll be an empty nester hehe and it's the worst HEHEHEHE!
Okay, thank you seasoned mothers who are supposed to be gracefully encouraging me on this journey that I'm honestly terrified of, now I see that life is an endless spiral of worsening doom; I will go crawl into my bed and lay there until I get hungry which will probably be within the next 30 minutes. BUT THEN I WILL GO BACK TO BED AND NOT COME OUT FOR AWHILE.
But seriously, these responses, though perhaps rooted in the desire to give me a taste of reality (though I highly doubt that), really just invalidate my problems, stifle the caring community that motherhood should be surrounded by, and usher in this awkward seniority/inferiority complex between you and me. I'm not even quite sure you're simply "giving me a dose of reality," actually. Perhaps your hardships were never validated as a young mother and this is your only way of grasping at recognition. Perhaps you have never experienced the vulnerable and graceful empathy that soothes and encourages rather than cuts and bites. Maybe this is the only way you know how to respond.
If it is the latter, let me give you a wonderful alternate response that will result in the listener not hating you. A few days ago, I mentioned to a friend a pregnancy discomfort I was experiencing. I know this specific discomfort gets much worse once the baby is born, but still this sweet mother responded by saying,
"Oh my gosh! I remember that, it was so painful! I'm so sorry!"
Okay, people, do you see the difference? More importantly, do you think we can do this? Do you think we can validate the hardships of the stage of life that someone else is in, relate to them, and infuse hope into their lives instead of despair?
As I've been pondering this, I've realized I do this too, not yet in the #momshaming department, but how many times have I responded to someone in college who talks about how hard it is with, You just wait until you get to the real world! Or when a non-pregnant friend tells me she and her husband were supposed to go out for a sushi date night but something came up so she's bummed, I respond with something like:
OH MY GOSH AT LEAST YOU CAN EAT SUSHI
See? This response is so common, we don't even think about it! I am part of the problem. Is it the selfish pride of glorifying my hardship over yours? Or some desperate insecurity bulldozing its way into the conversation with this counterfeit superiority? I'm not sure, but I know that I am a citizen of heaven, a believer in redemption and a participant in the community that makes up my Savior's church. How can I continue to pour negativity into an already suffering heart? Shouldn't I long to speak redemption as one who relies on an audacious hope? Shouldn't I long to empathize as Jesus, the suffering Servant, did and does? My cynicism impresses no one, and if I need to have my own feelings validated, I can look to the One who sees and hears and weeps with me.
And perhaps learn a thing or two from Him.
**this is not representative of all moms I know. I have experienced a wonderful, encouraging community from most mothers (especially closer friends) as I begin this journey.
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