limited

It’s funny how you can be so busy, have a great roommate, be completely in the will of God, and still feel very alone.

I knew this year would be a hard one. Two of my closest friends aren’t here like they used to be; I spend three hours a day locked in a room practicing piano, spend my weekends doing homework, and spend at least an hour in the car most days…without even a radio. My busyness keeps me occupied but completely isolated. I’m not with people like I used to be.

Can I make a confession? I just bought my junior recital dress last night. I came home and tried it on with the new heels I got. I stayed in that dress for an hour. At midnight on a Friday night, there I sat, journaling in a classy dress and berry-colored heels. I couldn’t bring myself to take it off. There was this need to feel pretty even though no one saw me. And last night, like an insecure high schooler, I just stared at the mirror thinking, “Maybe if I lost a few inches here, if only my hair looked a bit fuller, man I wish this acne would go away, I wish I was as pretty as my friends, then…”

Then what, Whitney?

Well, then maybe I’d get someone to go with me to formal.

Are you reading this? I legitimately sound like a petty high school girl. I’m relapsing.

I’m not emo, suicidal, take-me-now-God. Don’t worry. It is amazing how He fulfills and satisfies even on the days when I feel like I haven’t talked to anyone. Or when I miss how things used to be. He comforts and doesn’t make me feel as lonely.

Because I may be lame, I may be crazy, I may be in over my head, I may be desperate, I may have no boys this year at all, I may feel overwhelmed by the silence in my room right now.

But I am not alone.

Even as I write my two papers today, when I practice more piano, when I go running, I will let His presence flood my heart as I’m by myself.

And let that be enough.