My arms feel flimsy and floppy from a makeshift workout because I'm boycotting outside until I don't need three layers to go running (even though I am well aware of the reality that people who go outside more enjoy the weather more, and I do not care).
The semester is half over, so I'm 3/4 done with my first year of full-time ministry. More than anything, more than skills or relationality or hard work or charm, I have realized my need to be full of Him, absolutely bursting. To seek and thirst and drink up all of the Living Water from the Word before I walk on campus. I've realized the war that is waged on the souls who have given their lives to full-time ministry. The wars of doubt and fear, the anxiety that is living on support, the gifts and talents that we lean on more heavily than Christ. There is a tension we walk in each day as we trust Him for our manna in more literal ways than we ever have before.
He has given me a heart for the world. Because let's be real: it's hard to have a heart for Southern Minnesota. Sometimes I still don't quite understand where I am. But when I remember I am striving to reach the world through Southern Minnesota, that I am seeking to send students who may not otherwise go, to share with internationals who might otherwise never hear, to equip those who would otherwise not know how to share. I have never felt so much purpose. I cannot believe I am here.
Of course the dark days are full of questions and I have never before felt myself so closely identify with the Israelites. My heart is so prone to grumbling. So quick to revert, to forget the Deliverance, the seas he's parted, the miracles He's done. Or perhaps I am really like the woman Jesus met, sneaking to drink of the dirty wells I've drunk from for so long when there is Living Water standing in front of me.
But the school year will be done soon, this snow will melt and the air will swell with summer and I am more sure now than ever that He will be faithful, and I am less afraid than I have been in a long time.
The semester is half over, so I'm 3/4 done with my first year of full-time ministry. More than anything, more than skills or relationality or hard work or charm, I have realized my need to be full of Him, absolutely bursting. To seek and thirst and drink up all of the Living Water from the Word before I walk on campus. I've realized the war that is waged on the souls who have given their lives to full-time ministry. The wars of doubt and fear, the anxiety that is living on support, the gifts and talents that we lean on more heavily than Christ. There is a tension we walk in each day as we trust Him for our manna in more literal ways than we ever have before.
He has given me a heart for the world. Because let's be real: it's hard to have a heart for Southern Minnesota. Sometimes I still don't quite understand where I am. But when I remember I am striving to reach the world through Southern Minnesota, that I am seeking to send students who may not otherwise go, to share with internationals who might otherwise never hear, to equip those who would otherwise not know how to share. I have never felt so much purpose. I cannot believe I am here.
Of course the dark days are full of questions and I have never before felt myself so closely identify with the Israelites. My heart is so prone to grumbling. So quick to revert, to forget the Deliverance, the seas he's parted, the miracles He's done. Or perhaps I am really like the woman Jesus met, sneaking to drink of the dirty wells I've drunk from for so long when there is Living Water standing in front of me.
But the school year will be done soon, this snow will melt and the air will swell with summer and I am more sure now than ever that He will be faithful, and I am less afraid than I have been in a long time.
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