resolving to resolve

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We had cereal and jello for dinner, so that's life today.

I've also had coffee from three different places in a span of 8 hours, which is support raising missionary life most days.

And I'm becoming okay with life right now and the beauties in it. The sacrifices are hard but even the small earthly rewards we experience are sweet. Support raising, though difficult and emotional and stressful, has been one of the most enriching experiences of my life.

Right when I decided to work for Cru, I felt a nudge toward learning more about apologetics, mostly because when people present philosophical questions attacking Christianity, I'm left standing in a dumb silence. And though I know the Spirit is who changes, having some logic behind what I believe is imperative. Especially as evangelism will be one of the main parts of my job soon. But I've been putting it off because whose priority is apologetics while they're getting married and support raising and living in 3 different cities?

But things are different now. Now it's not just for my job. I am watching a dear, respected friend walk on clouds of logical doubt, my heart breaks and my soul is shattered and my faith feels slightly shaken. But now I am determined to articulately and logically explain why I am doing what I am doing. I don't even know where to begin. How much is a mystery to us, and how much can we actually know? It is terrifying to know someone who has believed what you believe is now pretty sure it all can't be true. What are my responsibilities? I need to do SOMETHING. And Jesus, could you please just come back right now?

(but also convince my friend who You are first?)

Facebook links claiming to defeat atheism in one minute aren't enough now. Beautiful nature pictures captioned by "How can you not believe there is a God?" really just exclude and demean the ones who need more than that. I'm going to need to be smart and be a devil's advocate and develop a critical heart...while still having faith like a child. While still letting sunsets cause me to praise and letting love lead. I want to be complex in my understanding yet simple in my thinking. I want to work as hard as I can to reach people while realizing it's not me that's reaching them anyway. And I want to just follow Jesus and for everyone to follow Jesus and for the Bible to be enough.

And so I'm rambling and let's just chalk this one up as not figured out. Not yet. I don't know what to do but I'm going to do something.


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