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We search for God in order to find Him with greater joy, and we find Him in order to keep on searching with greater love.

That quote has been resonating in my soul the past few days. I needed to share it.

Anyways...

I got back from sleeping over at Tania’s house. I missed church because we both decided we didn’t want to go. Don’t judge us.

But something about Sundays makes me need to put on a dress.

So I got ready for nothing. I put on a dress and washed my face and brushed my teeth and opened the window. And then I sat in Sarah’s hammock. And I just started writing.

I just needed time with Him. During the day. My recent times with Him have been far too past midnight, and I’m not sure how capable my mind is at that point. I wanted Him at 11:30 am on a Sunday morning when everyone else is eating their Sunday dinners with their families.

So I started writing and my hand just kept going. I’ve been asking a lot of people for advice lately. And I’m overwhelmed by the different responses I’ve gotten.

So as I wrote, a lump formed in my throat. My heart didn’t stop, guys. The feelings that have been hiding in the deep crevices of my soul that I was too scared to articulate were flowing onto the pages. Feelings that I’d never told anyone, even Him. I was telling Him. Finally. And the things I wanted to tell everyone that gave me advice. I wrote it out. They’re sitting in my journal right now.

I was hiding them because I didn’t want to sound crazy. But maybe I am crazy. I mean, I sat under my kitchen table to read my Bible the other night. I sleep in the weirdest clothes. I put on a dress for no reason at all. I go running at 12:45 in the morning.

I could be crazy, I really could.

And I could read that journal entry in five years and shake my head. Whitney, you were crazy. Absolutely mad.

But maybe we’re all crazy. Maybe we all have those feelings and we just don’t say them or even write them out in our most secret journals. Because we’re trying to be classy or refined or we want people…even Him…to think that we have it all together.

But what if the willingness to say those deep, hidden, (possibly) crazy things to Him is the opposite of foolish? What if today wasn’t a meltdown? What if it was one of my bravest days in…a very long time.

And maybe the people trying to keep it all inside…they’re the ones that are going to go crazy. Psych ward crazy.

And I’ve heard about the psych ward people.

They’re nuts.

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