this time

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It’s one of those I don’t feel like doing anything nights. Except eating. I could eat us out of house and home, so I’m staying in my room. I’m listening to optimistic songs and they’re oddly helping. Next is Christmas music. Or bed. I could really just go to sleep.

I just read this passage, and it keeps blowing my mind.

31 When the LORD saw that Leah was not loved, he enabled her to conceive, but Rachel remained childless. 32 Leah became pregnant and gave birth to a son. She named him Reuben,[b] for she said, “It is because the LORD has seen my misery. Surely my husband will love me now.”

33 She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Because the LORD heard that I am not loved, he gave me this one too.” So she named him Simeon.[c]

34 Again she conceived, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “Now at last my husband will become attached to me, because I have borne him three sons.” So he was named Levi.[d]

35 She conceived again, and when she gave birth to a son she said, “This time I will praise the LORD.” So she named him Judah.[e] Then she stopped having children.

I thought of every time my Father gave me a wonderful gift, and I tried to find my sense of belonging in that. I thought, after receiving the gift, that now I would finally be ok. Sometimes He would just take it away, and sometimes I would leave just not satisfied.

But when I see His gifts as means to glorify Him. Whenever He gives me something and I choose to say “This time I will praise Him,” the striving stops. Leah didn’t need children anymore because she wasn’t worrying about acceptance from her husband. She was receiving her acceptance from a much different Source.

And I’m thinking about all my gifts. My friends. My car. My family. Being on leadership next year. They aren’t essential for my well-being. They are gifts. Good, good gifts.

And this time, rather than complaining about what I don’t have, or hoping that He will give me a gift that makes me finally have a sense of belonging and appreciation that will not end up giving me that anyways,

This time I will just praise Him.

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